Butterflies

I don’t know what to say, or what to do…

I’ve talked to most of you about my problems with my Princess Charming. How she seems to have just lost her charm so to speak. If I haven’t talked to you, then you should know that my relationship has consistently spiraled in the southward direction for about three months. This appears to continue no matter how hard I try to communicate to her that its not working, or that I’m unhappy because I miss her. We will talk, I will cry, she will realize this really is hurting me, and she’ll be better for about a week… then the process repeats. I’m trying to be understanding because I realize she really has nothing going for her right now and I’m the only positive thing in her life, but its really hard. I know she’s depressed, and I know she needs me to be there for her, but I don’t know how and I’m getting to the point that I’m unsure if I want to. She’s pushing me so hard to leave while trying to pull me close at the same time and I’m fighting with myself over what I should do, but this isn’t the hard part. The hard part is I’m met someone…

Let’s call her Promise, because she made the best promise I’ve heard in a long time. She mad the promise she might talk to me later, which was perfect since it means she can’t break it. I like that. Actually there are a lot of things I like about her. She’s mature (and 25), intelligent, witty, ambitious, talented, and has some of the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life. Today I did something spontaneous because she asked me to… I don’t do spontaneous! I never have, and yet something about her made me want to record a video of myself singing an indie pop song and send it to her. She loved it and asked me to record another one, and you know what? I want to. I absolutely hate the way that my voice sounds on camera but I want to do that for her. I don’t know why. Maybe its because I’m looking for something else because my relationship is so sour, or because those eyes give me butterflies, or maybe its because I relate to her. She’s a scientist, she loves music, she’s made mistakes and she knows she’s not prefect but she’s trying to better herself every day. She comes with baggage, just like everyone else and she’s open about it. And the best part? She knows about my girlfriend and she gets it. She gets that I miss her and I love her, and she understands that I have wants and needs that my Princess Charming can’t fulfill. She’s fine with it.

This leads us to the next problem… The last time we talked about how much the status of our relationship was upsetting me, my highly monogamous Princess Charming suggested that if I was still unsatisfied after she had tried to fix the problem, then she said we could try an open relationship. I gave her another chance, and it got a little better, but not much. Until last night at 3:04AM, I was going to flat out tell her this, and tell her I met someone, and tell her I want that open relationship before every speaking to Promise. That’s how I wanted it because I don’t want anything I do to be in the wrong. Why? Because I love her. But today, in the wee small hours of the morning, she called me out of the blue, told me she wrote me a letter, and apologized for still not changing the way she’s been acting WITHOUT BEING PROMPTED.

I feel like an asshole… she really is a Princess Charming, she’s just in a tight spot, and while until tonight I did nothing more than have casual conversation with Promise, I should have told her. I should have told her two weeks ago when I met this girl. I should have told her every day sense… but I kept telling myself, oh maybe it’ll just be platonic, and maybe it won’t matter, I’ll just tell her if anything changes. And it did… and I didn’t tell her. And now my stomach hurts so bad and I don’t know if its the butterflies from the conversation I just had or if its the guilt from the one I didn’t.

I know I have to tell her. I know it’s the only option. I know what I am doing is wrong… but a part of me just wants to wait for that letter to see what it says. To see just how sorry she is. To read that she loves me… to believe it can still work.

My Princess Charming will be here in 15 days, but we haven’t had a real conversation that isn’t about our relationship in months. Promise can be here in under two hours, no matter the day, and tonight she was an hour late to hang out with her friends because she wanted to talk to me. I never once asked her to stay. In fact, I told her she should probably go multiple times, but she stayed because she wanted to. My Princess Charming won’t even make an hour in her day for me…

What do I do? Someone tell me please because I don’t know and I don’t want to become someone that I would hate.

Sincerely,

Cinderella